Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize