She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
