Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
