oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
