Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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