seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
