just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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