I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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