I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
