im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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