He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
