Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
