Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
