I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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