Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
