There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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