you didnt know i had herpes?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
