Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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