You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
