Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
