i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
