im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
