I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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