Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Text me some of your sweat
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
