I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
