true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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