I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
