I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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