This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
