dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
