You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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