"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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