I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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