Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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