I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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