im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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