I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
