i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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