You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
