Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
