i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
