I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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