She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My feet surprised me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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