That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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