im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
