Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize