Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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