They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
