haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
