How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
