just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
