hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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