i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
