Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Randomize