What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
