I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
