last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
