If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
