doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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