i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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